I hate getting in trouble. A lot. It pairs with a fear of people not liking me, being mad at/disappointed in me, and because of it, I live my life by the rules most of the time.
Then again, I hate regrets even more. I believe that life should be fulfilling and rewarding and as such, I prefer to live my life in a way that makes me happiest, while also bringing others the least amount of harm. Yep, I try to simultaneously be selfish and considerate, it's a fun challenge ;).
It is precisely there that my current problem resides. I wish that I knew how to react to this situation, I'd almost prefer that someone just tell me what I'm supposed to do. Then again: What if what I want to do is not the same as what I should do? Oh, and the best part is, by making the wrong choice, the person I will be hurting the most in the end, is me. Talk about pressure!
How was that? Cryptic enough for you? This most recent current event is far too personal to share. It's much more complicated than deciding that although I have mostly given up all dairy, and now suffer from stomach pain if I have too much (as in more than a bite), I was going to eat my mom's eggplant parmigiana for lunch. It was incredible, by the way.
Perhaps it is more comparable to my uneasiness regarding that g-word we shall not speak of, graduation. I can deal with life's rules and regulations when they are in black and white (educational structure) or when they are instated by myself and only call for self-input (food preferences) but when I have to make a decision that cannot be based on pure logic or fact, that I am entirely unsure of and that may affect the rest of my life (dramatic)... I feel completely overwhelmed.
I only need to figure out what is right for me, and yet I'd still appreciate some outside clarification as to what the "right" thing to do, to feel, to say is. Then again, who do I expect it to be from? Mine is the opinion and viewpoint that matters most, is it not?
I promise that I have officially fallen off the edge ;). Please know that since my internal confusion is officially out there, I do feel somewhat relieved, and I'll be more opening to sharing whatever ultimately happens. Thanks for always reading, darlings.
Anyway :) Saturday night, I ventured into Queen's for Dani's 26th birthday. They set up their apartment beautifully with appetizers galore and were equally as fantastic of hosts as the night went on. After wandering around their neighborhood for 40 minutes, I finally got there and snacked on crudités with some of the Pinot Noir that I brought. A match made in heaven, no doubt!
Then we broke out the UpWords, which I also brought, and challenged C's English major skills and those (or lack there of) of us, the others. In the end, my team, Dani squared, came in second. Just so you know.
With all of the picking, and competing, we didn't sit down for dinner until 8.30ish at which point the girls brought out the warm and quartered panini sandwiches. I had one with portabello and another with eggplant (can't get enough) alongside their salad and another generous glass of wine.
By the end of the meal, the ice was most definitely broken. The randomized group of friends and I bonded and chatted for the next hour before dessert. I'd also like to point out the adorable charm that distinguished my wine glass from the others and became very helpful as the night went on. I chose this one with a purpose... love for B'more, of course.
And finally, Happy Birthday Dani! If those two wonderful human beings can enjoy being real people, then hopefully I will be able to do so too. And maybe, just maybe, I'll be able to make grown-up decisions as well. Wish me luck! See you (and Peter Cottontail) demain!