Monday, November 22, 2010

writing as therapy, part 3

Missed the Introduction, Part 1, and/or Part 2? Yes, no, maybe so? Read on...

It came unexpected (/out of nowhere, literally) and it hit hard. It felt as though this entire beautiful world that I had been living in was falling apart all around me and there was nothing I could do to save it. 

Him and I went on a break for a few weeks to ensure that he was making the right decision by being alone. I tried my best to be somewhat okay during this time. After the first week, (which at this point is still very much a blur of tears and pain), I knew that I needed to be somewhat okay. It was the second semester of my senior year, I had two months of college left, and I wasn't going to let some guy (no matter how much he meant to me) take the pleasure of enjoying every last bit of it away from me. So I surrounded myself with my best friends. I made more plans than I had time for. I kept myself as busy as I possibly could. I didn't really talk about my innermost feelings on this blog because I knew he could read it (and I was secretly hoping that he was). I didn't want him to know that I cried myself to sleep more often than I'd even like to admit now. I wanted him to think I was fine without him because I was angry at him for ruining my consistently so-much-better-than-fine state of being with him.

I was blown away by the response of all of my friends. They were/are incredible. This was one of the first time in my life when I selfishly and completely needed them and their support, and they were there. They listened to me, encouraged me, and did everything in their power to make me feel better again. I even became closer with a handful of them which I appreciate more than they'll ever possibly know. They set my head straight when I started to question what I had done wrong, what I should have done differently, and why he didn't want me anymore. They didn't let me succumb to the all too familiar feelings of failure. They reminded me that it was he who had ended us. And how dare he.

By the time we saw each other face to face, after not hearing from him for nearly 20 days, I knew that it was actually over. No matter how much the words stung I took them in stride. As sad as it was, I was expecting them. Plus, I wouldn't let them ruin the fabulous spring break I had planned ahead. I wandered around the city with some of my favorite people, I spent quality time with my family, and I got to go to Baltimore and reunite with Liz while also attending my first blogging conference, FitBloggin'. It was going to be amazing in every which way. But I'd be lying if I didn't admit that I struggled to smile through all of it. Truth is, breaking up with that boy did ruin my spring break. 

It also made me not hungry. I continued to lose a few pounds here and there by not eating enough. It wasn't on purpose, but it happened.

When I got back to school again, I was more than ready to triumph over the loss. I continued to have the time of my life, and I spent more and more of my day not thinking about him. When I went home for Easter, nearly a month later, I was in so much of a better place. And then he called.

He called! In the most wrong of ways, it felt good to hear his voice on the other end of the phone. He asked if we could meet up before I went back. I said yes, although deep inside I believed I should've said no. What would my incredibly supportive friends say? Nervously, I called one of them for permission. I should add that this friend, Liz, is probably one of the most understanding people on the face of the earth. She, as expected, said that if she were to advise me without any concern for my feelings, she would say I shouldn't hang out with him. But. Because she knew me, and because she knew that my first instinct was to say yes, she said I should see him. Maybe it wasn't a great idea but bad ideas are acceptable in this situation and I had nothing to feel guilty about.

We did hang out. He apologized. He had made a mistake. He loved me. He wanted me back. I was overwhelmed. I had gotten used to accepting the insane belief that we shouldn't be together. A million thoughts were running through my head. I desperately needed a drink. What now?! To be continued.


Penny for your thoughts...