Monday, October 21, 2013

femininity à la maison

Merci, madame. These words used to make me uncomfortable. Could I no longer be considered a mademoiselle? Had I become the only “ma’am” to be suspiciously carded outside a Parisian bar? (Yes, this really happened, and yes, the drinking age here is 18).
In every language, I’ve generally avoided calling myself “a woman.” I was a girl, a lady, sure, but not a woman. I didn’t believe I could handle the pressure or responsibility that comes with being one. I ain’t no Martha Stewart! And I don’t even usually talk like that. Then, this weekend, I read Rachel Jones’ recent article in The Atlantic, “Homemade is the New Organic.” Her brilliant premise: “I couldn’t help but consider how our attitudes surrounding domesticity, and its current post-feminist, Etsy-fied flavor, have changed our appreciation and definition of what constitutes a home-cooked meal.” Had I, too, fallen victim to believing the modern woman was still defined by her traditional roles of mother, wife, and otherwise humble yet multitalented caretaker? To an extent, yes.
I didn’t have a sexist upbringing... yet my dad worked late six days a week and my mom cleaned and cooked for us, in addition to working from home. She became a real estate agent when I was in high school as well. “Never mind that we are working longer hours and women are still responsible for making the majority of the meals in the home. We are inundated with recipes extolling the virtue of seasonal finds from the local farmer's market, or the health benefits native to exotic oils—good things in their own right.”
Although I wholeheartedly believe in feminist thought and speak up against present-day misogyny and our need to better support each other, in the end, maybe I want the job, the husband, the kids, and the dinner, too? But isn't that mostly okay? Shouldn't I be able to show love and affection through kitchen labors? Aren't I allowed to bake cookies for my coworkers, and be proud of myself for it (mostly because I successfully did so with a toaster oven)? I truly hope it's not any womanly label making me feel this way.
At the very least, it's certainly something to think about. “Home cooking has become warped by our fixation on doing it all and having it all—even in the kitchen.” This past Saturday, I went to a fabulous potluck dinner at Shola's. The culinary highlights: sweet potato-lentil soup, Persian samboosehs, and a plum tart; the latter prepared by a fellow grad student's pastry chef husband. And tonight, I'm thrilled to be hosting a "Breakfast for Dinner" party. On the menu: spinach salad with a pomegranate vinaigrette, hard-boiled eggs, and buttery pancakes with maple syrup and a warm cinnamon-apple compote. The question is: am I making everything moi-même? Not quite; it’ll only be a mostly homemade meal. I’ll come home from the office to a trusty American pancake mix :).

12 comments:

  1. Making home cooked dinners is great, I do it all the time. But you can't have it all. When I'm in the kitchen cooking, I am not somewhere else doing something else, like running a company or reading a bedtime story. They're choices each woman has to make for herself and I look forward to the day when feminism teaches us to be gracious enough to value each woman's choices.

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  2. This is something I've put a lot of thought into as well. In the end I feel like anything flies so long as it's the woman's choice to do so. If she wants to be a stay at home mom and accepts domesticity as her 'job' or family contribution then that's wonderful. It only becomes a problem when the idea is shoved down her throat to the extent that she is forced to suppress other talents in adopting a domestic role. Perhaps she could bring in a larger salary than her husband, and yet is forced to abandon a degree and stay home at her husband's insistence. Then it's not so cool. I'm all for equality, and part of that is supporting one another and equally sharing responsibility in a relationship :)

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    1. Yes, I agree! Eventually, I hope for more balanced familial choices, too.

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  3. That dinner looks incredible! --- I love your blog, Danielle. Can't wait to read more.

    Cheers!
    Marissa

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  4. As women, I find it very difficult to have that balance. When I was growing up, my mother was one of those 80s powersuited women in Manhattan, rushing from Grand Station to her office on 5th and 42nd in her white sneakers and then changing into her pumps that were under her desk. She worked hard long hours, was an amazing role model and did her best job as a mom that she could, but many, many recitals and softball games were missed. But on Sundays she'd spend almost the whole day in the kitchen trying to be 'mommy'. Looking back on it now, she must have been exhausted!

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    1. It sounds exhausting! And it annoys me when I think about how little men are pressured to struggle with the balance. Many do, I'm sure, but there's a societal difference. Hopefully times are changing.

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  5. I would love to join in on these dinner parties!

    Great discussions. You are a fabulous writer and researcher.

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    1. I would LOVE for you to join in! And thank you for the compliments, sweetheart. You're wonderful.

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  6. I think the "homecooked", "new domesticity" trend is only a sort of problem if men aren't involved in it as well. Within the whole hipster culture at least it seems like a lot of men are equally interested in organic foods and home-cooked meals as woman, and now that people tend to stay single longer maybe more men will learn to cook (well) and keep it up when married? Who knows.
    When I was growing up my mom worked as well, first part time and then full time, and she decided to hire a cleaning woman to come once a week I think to avoid falling into that trap of basically doing two full-time jobs, or resentment about it towards my father. Of course she still cooked every night, but I guess it was a sort of "balance" she found.

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    1. I definitely think you're onto something. What bothers me is that there seems to be a "balance" women have to find whereas men just either cook or don't.

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