Happy. Scared. I didn't realize it would be different the second time around, but it is. Then again, I didn't realize it would take so long for me to be ready again either. They say "time heals all wounds". I'm afraid my experience has taught me as such. I thought a change of scenery would fix things, and dating would distract me from feeling "broken", but what really did the trick was simply living, fully.
Because it does get easier, each day, little by little.
One day, you'll wake up and not think about him. You'll call your best friend, text your siblings, meet old co-workers for dinner, fall asleep soundly, alone in your bed. You'll realize it's been a couple of weeks since he's crossed your mind. And you won't even mind.
Then, when you least expect it, you'll meet someone. They also say "it'll happen when you're not looking," and annoyingly, that cliché is true as well. You'll meet him and connect almost instantly. It'll remind you what that this might be meant to be ease feels like. It might be inconvenient though. You may have registered for grad school, applied for a visa, with solid plans to relocate.
You have to go, too; to follow through with your unfiltered aspirations. This blossoming relationship may fizzle, but the hope won't. You'll finally be sure that there is more than one person for you, and more importantly, that you have to ability to truly connect with someone else. With that faith, you'll keep on living. You'll date again, optimistic; ready for a real relationship without the pressure.
And eventually, it will happen again. You'll find the potential in another someone. Drinks will turn into dinners, dinners into brunches. Weeks will pass. You'll realize it's been years since you've wanted to be this vulnerable. You'll be happy, and scared, and happy.
The internal confusion makes sense. You're all too familiar with the risks. You've been hurt before. You've healed before, too. You'll be able to take this chance; especially when it feels so worth it.
And it will be. Falling in love always is.