It's been... being home these past two weeks. I feel like a familiar stranger. Whereas I've accumulated stories, they've acquired more furniture, higher paychecks,
exciting engagements. And as much as I'm genuinely happy to revel in it with them, I can't shake my unsettling worry. Because I want all of that, too. Mundane may not appeal, but, my gosh, how I crave a little comforting stability...
Thankfully, I usually catch myself before getting too carried away with that thought. I have
so freaking much to appreciate now.
As we prepare to celebrate
Christmas Eve and Day, I'm thinking about how silly it is that I have presents to look forward to as well. There are so few things I need. And
what I seem to want--the eventual home, career, beloved--cannot be wrapped up with a bow.
In
Portugal, Lara, Lorelei, and I had a conversation about
manifestations, or rather, French words we can't ever remember the English equivalents to. In this case, I blame our lapses in memory on the fact that strikes don't take place in the U.S. as often as they do in France. Plus, "manifestation" is already a word in English. "An event, action, or object that clearly shows or embodies something, especially a theory or an abstract idea." Why not make this coming year the one that I allow these
racines to take root?
I think it needs to begin with faith. I've gotten really good at wholeheartedly believing the best of other people, but I struggle with having genuine faith in my own choices, abilities, and limitations; not to mention the truth a sweet, wise friend once told me: "You are in the process of
building a life with an amazing career, a good marriage, a beautiful family, and wonderful warm relationships all around. Consider those yours already." I have to trust, too, that
God/the Universe is on my side. Recently, and more than
once, Conan O'Brien's, "If you work really hard, and you're kind, amazing things will happen," adage has proven to be incredibly true.
So, there you have it: my excuse for the radio silence as of late. I've also had my fair share of my family and friend time. Wishing you and your loved ones the happiest and healthiest holiday! I'll check in before the New Year.
This should entertain until then :).
“If you let your mind talk you out of things that aren’t logical, you’re going to have a very boring life. Because grace isn’t logical. Love isn’t logical. Miracles aren’t logical.” -Barbra DeAngelis
Great post, and good to know you are settling back into the US but with a lens of experience. I get this post, and feel the same way too, but, like you, it is good to challenge the idea that a house + money + tangible objects + marriage = security. And we've been taught-there's probably a well-established brain pathway- that tells us security/success/grounding is something you can obtain using the above formula, but logically this is not true. I think there's two parts here, one part that logically says going on the amazing journey of personal growth, experience and education that you had has not slowed or prevented you from obtaining a home/career/beloved, and the other is more a result of wanting to fit in, not exactly but in a fundamental way, with the surrounding versions of success/security. Anyway, I know you have thought about all this stuff, and probably just need time to settle back in and regain a sense of home. Hope you had a great xmas!
ReplyDeleteThanks, Hope. You're always so good at reminding me of the alternative truth... and how true it is. xo
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