Monday, September 16, 2013

on kindness

I'm so tired of hearing about tragedies at home.
{Slottsparken - Malmö, Sweden}
You could say some are natural disasters, outside of human error, but in most cases, it's people who've cause nature to become unbalanced in the first place. And then there are those that generously provide us someone to blame. Whether we consider them terrorists or mentally ill, they've used force to cause harm. In many cases, that force has been amplified by guns. The debate comes in waves---whether or not or we should control guns, how they're sold and used. Words like "freedom" and "protection" are used carelessly, and they're oftentimes listened to, because the world is scary, and dangerous, and bad things keep happening.

Here I am, living abroad, digesting these events from multiple perspectives and news sources. More than one European has told me they'd be nervous to go to the States--what with all our government surveillance, and household weapons, and general craziness. This is the only news they hear; much like those in the U.S. would most likely immediately associate Haiti with an earthquake and Rwanda with a genocide. Americans who are informed about those tragic events anyhow; which you may be aware, some are not.

I cannot even express how heartbreaking it all is.

Because here's the thing: I believe we are good. I believe we are capable of being good and doing good and spreading good. I simply cannot accept that human beings, American or not, are born with darkness in our hearts. Our misinformed reasons for participating in tragedies, for causing them, must result from the conditioning and convincing of unfortunate life experience.

And so, I beg of you, please... be kind---to yourself, to your family, to your friends, and to those you have no reason to be kind to.

"But why?" you might protest. "When there is so much hate and fear and ignorance, how could I possibly approach a stranger with kindness?"

Alas, I'm afraid, I don't have the answers to such questions. Yet I'm pretty sure I'd reply with this: what's the harm in trying?

You might even consider it in your best interest.

"So here’s something I know to be true, although it’s a little corny, and I don’t quite know what to do with it:

What I regret most in my life are failures of kindness.

Those moments when another human being was there, in front of me, suffering, and I responded…sensibly. Reservedly. Mildly.

Or, to look at it from the other end of the telescope: Who, in your life, do you remember most fondly, with the most undeniable feelings of warmth?

Those who were kindest to you, I bet.

It’s a little facile, maybe, and certainly hard to implement, but I’d say, as a goal in life, you could do worse than: Try to be kinder.

Now, the million-dollar question: What’s our problem? Why aren’t we kinder?

Here’s what I think:

Each of us is born with a series of built-in confusions that are probably somehow Darwinian. These are: (1) we’re central to the universe (that is, our personal story is the main and most interesting story, the only story, really); (2) we’re separate from the universe (there’s US and then, out there, all that other junk – dogs and swing-sets, and the State of Nebraska and low-hanging clouds and, you know, other people), and (3) we’re permanent (death is real, o.k., sure – for you, but not for me).

Now, we don’t really believe these things – intellectually we know better – but we believe them viscerally, and live by them, and they cause us to prioritize our own needs over the needs of others, even though what we really want, in our hearts, is to be less selfish, more aware of what’s actually happening in the present moment, more open, and more loving.

So, the second million-dollar question: How might we DO this? How might we become more loving, more open, less selfish, more present, less delusional, etc., etc?

Well, yes, good question.

Unfortunately, I only have three minutes left.

So let me just say this. There are ways. You already know that because, in your life, there have been High Kindness periods and Low Kindness periods, and you know what inclined you toward the former and away from the latter. Education is good; immersing ourselves in a work of art: good; prayer is good; meditation’s good; a frank talk with a dear friend; establishing ourselves in some kind of spiritual tradition – recognizing that there have been countless really smart people before us who have asked these same questions and left behind answers for us.

Because kindness, it turns out, is hard – it starts out all rainbows and puppy dogs, and expands to include…well, everything."

20 comments:

  1. Important and action-provoking (as opposed to just thought) post. I believe this too "must result from the conditioning of unfortunate life experience" and I would add, a brain structure that was triggered by these unfortunate life experiences. Plenty of people have unfortunate life experiences and go on to bring good into the world. I think it comes back to a malfunctioning of the brain triggered by external events. This doco on violence by BBC discusses this: http://topdocumentaryfilms.com/truth-about-violence/

    And while laws aren't going to be the sole solution, I do find this Daily Show segment about Australian gun control really informative and entertaining: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9pOiOhxujsE

    Keep being awesome!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you, and good point. I'll definitely look into that documentary. And I saw the Daily Show segment actually! Absolutely loved it. I really appreciate the encouragement, lady :)

      Delete
  2. Thanks, Danielle for a great post. I think a lack of kindness is due to a lack of understanding. It is hard to not be kind to others when you have lived a day in their shoes.
    http://liveitinerantly.com

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You're very welcome - thanks for a great comment! I think you're right. I also think trust is a key component in reaching that understanding.

      Delete
  3. Absolutely beautiful post!

    Thank you for linking up today!

    Rachel from Brachel Boulevard

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm glad you think so. Thank you for the opportunity!

      Delete
  4. You know -- I think this post is really important. Because when we hear stuff like that on the news, we become a little desensitized. I know I was. I wasn't really surprised, even though I was sad. But you start building up walls to block that stuff out because it's like: WHAT CAN I DO ABOUT IT? As one person, removed from it?

    But then I read this and realize: this. We can do this. We can be kinder. That's it. All it takes. We can be kinder and more grateful and just keep putting more good into the world. We don't stop being good because others aren't. We keep doing it, hoping that it's a disease that's stronger than any mental illness or any weird social conditioning... we hope that it catches, that it's contagious, that it has the power to -- over time -- change lives and hearts. And we know this to be true because kindness has been doing this since the beginning of time.

    We're not helpless. We can do something. And it starts with being kinder.

    Thanks, Danielle.

    http://www.chimerikal.com

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I know what you mean about the becoming desensitized. I think it's a natural human protection in today's world. And as such, I really appreciate how much you took this post to heart. Your words have re-motivated me. Thank YOU :)

      Delete
  5. more people need to read this post. so well written.
    i can't wait to follow your blog! XO
    the well-traveled wife

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Aw, thanks, Emi! I really appreciate you saying that. So happy to have you here! xo

      Delete
  6. Ah, I love this Danielle! I feel like you took the words straight out my mouth. It makes me so sad that we've arrived at a place where we love to create an us versus them scenario around every corner. Where we stereotype races and religions, and where we constantly feel as though 'you're either with us or against us'. When it really comes down to it, I think we all want the same things out of life :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm right there with you, Jenna! Thank you for sharing your thoughts. We need to talk on the world together, deal? :)

      Delete
  7. Le sigh. This post touches my heart especially deep today. Thank you for writing it.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Of course. I couldn't not have. Sending you a hug from Paris!

      Delete
  8. oh wow, I love this post, Danielle. thank you thank you. Your words ring loud and clear. I hope that others find the strength to be kind as well.

    ReplyDelete
  9. Beautifully written post on a topic that we need to discuss more. It's horrible to hear about tragedies at home and not be able to be there, but the pain can be made even worse by the conversations going on around us. So important to believe in the goodness and kindness of all people, no matter what their nationality is, no matter where they come from. We need to spread this message today and everyday.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks, sweetheart. I completely agree and it's such a comfort to know that you understand, too. xo

      Delete
  10. "Because here's the thing: I believe we are good. I believe we are capable of being good and doing good and spreading good. I simply cannot accept that human beings, American or not, are born with darkness in our hearts."

    I'm a little late to this post (long week for personal reasons) but I fully agree with that statement. The majority of people I've met in my life and my travels are good people. This is a lovely post.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm sorry to hear about your long week, but thank you for reading through my blog after. And for sharing in my belief! I think the world will be a better place once we accept this and move forward. Hope this next week is better for you, too.

      Delete

Penny for your thoughts...